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My Name Is Jabba And I’m An Alcoholic

This is my first time at an AA meeting. I’ve been sober for one day. First, I’d just like to say how moved I am that you all have agreed to hold this meeting in the gymnasium. I think we all know it...

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John the Apostle Has Some Explaining to Do

Alright everybody, settle down now. What you’ve just witnessed here is a miracle. I need everybody to take a few steps back and give me some air so I can explain. Divine intervention has manifested...

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Shakira, Your Hips Are Full Of Crap

Dear Shakira, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it’s true. I’ll admit, I was skeptical from the start when you claimed that your hips “don’t lie.” But, I gave you the benefit of the doubt,...

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Brahms’ Other Lullabies

Lullaby in D-flat major Begun in the dulcet triple meter of his most renowned berceuse (the Wiegenlied, opus 94, #4), this misbegotten piece by Brahms veers astray when he eschews the conservative...

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You’re A Coyote!

All right, kids — it gives me great pleasure as your head coach to welcome you to what I feel will be the best team in all of West Union Little League…The Coyotes! First off, don’t give me any grief,...

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Anticipated Reviews Of My Unfinished Novels, Had I Completed Them

Patchouli Morning The metaphysical impishness, erudition and breadth of vision in this sexually charged roman à clef is Smith at his most vulnerable. We recoil in horror as he recounts a series of...

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À la Recherche du Texas Temps Perdu

Austin, Lauren’s driveway, 2009: “I’m wildly attracted to you,” I say, moving closer. “You smell like prime rib plus Jolly Ranchers,” she says. I lose heart. There will be no kiss. They don’t kiss at...

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The Child Whisperers

“…some parents, and even a few child therapists, have found themselves taking mental notes from a television personality known for inspiring discipline, order and devotion: Cesar Millan, otherwise...

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The Caveman Diaries

“[There is]…a small New York subculture whose members seek good health through a selective return to the habits of their Paleolithic ancestors.” – NY Times 1/1/2010 Aooooooogggghhhaaa! That’s my primal...

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Warning Signs

Regardless of the fact that the speed limit in town has always been 20mph, there was a time when, despite the almost quotidian triage situation at 7th and Flagship Ave., people still burned rubber...

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